Before my surgery, I had to meet with a "Behavioralist" - part of the process of insurance... guess they wanted to see inside my head before they invested thousands of dollars on "fixing" me. One thing I told her is that I tend to sabotage myself with every diet. Once the pounds coming off draws attention for others, I jump back into eating - it's a power thing. (That's a post for another day...)
Last night, everyone at church (even folks along the wall who didn't come up to me) noticed. The weight is obviously coming off quickly now, for which I am grateful, but the attention is overwhelming. All the hugs, smiles, comments, pats, "acceptance" is really pushing me right now. The only thing keeping me from falling back into the old pattern of stuffing my face is the fact the I'll either throw it up or become severely constipated. I know, way too much info!! So, I sit here, trying to accept this new reality. People are liking how I look now, and I cannot hide myself from them anymore. My new clothes fit - meaning that I am not in my usual tent.
One thing that keeps going through my brain is that - if they are so happy with me now, how awful must I have looked before?! Was I so unattractive that people dreaded seeing me? I know I have seen others that were uncomfortable to look at, and the thought that I was perceived that way hurts. "They" would say to me - "we just love you and were so worried about your health", but it doesn't feel like that when all I am complimented on is how I look. Just too much... even though I know it is said in love....
So, as I sit here dreaming of baked potatoes, pizza, Sonic cheeseburgers and tots and lots and lots of Coke, I wait. I wait for this to pass and for acceptance of the "new" Amy. The old one is still here, though - raising her ugly self in defiance.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I can't wait to see you again, not because you might "look better" or "I'm happier your healthier" but because I'm proud of you. I'm exceed happy for YOU! Not happy for your appearance but for your new life. You will, Lord willing, be able to function better, which in turn means you will be able to be there for Dana and Erin and your grandbabies. I see it more as a "happy birthday" or "happy anniversary" feeling. Happy for your joy and for making it through daily struggles. I want to be happy WITH you! You are an amazing woman and I'm so encouraged by you. My stuggles are hidden and I still have a hard time facing them. I think some of those people are encouraged like I am to face THEIR issues and your strength gives them strength. Let us be happy for you and with you so that our problems don't seem so daunting. Love you!
Ditto on the last comment. I've always loved your sweet smile and genuine heart. However, I feel like this is one of the first times I've ever witnessed you doing something for yourself. Seeing your joy is really contagious....perhaps that's why so many people are coming up to you out of the blue. Maybe it's because this new life is a bit contagious and everyone feels like they are starting anew, even if only as witnesses. Either way, I hope you know that you are loved by so many people.
Post a Comment