What began as a dream....

     Today marks the second anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. 

     What began as a passing dream of a better life almost didn't happen.  My teaching career ended in a swift decision, and my insurance changed - simple as that.  A friend informed me that my new insurance would cover the surgery, and that was that.  She referred me to a doctor she's heard of, and my new life began with the decision to see him.

      I recently came across the one old pair of pants that I kept from my Pre-surgery wardrobe.  I shook them out, and held them up in front of me at my bedroom mirror.  The image of the "new me" behind the "old me pants" shook me to the core.  I haven't shown them to anyone, and I told Andy that I am torn between wanting everyone to see the difference and no-one seeing it.  Part of me is too ashamed for the past to come crashing back in.  I do keep pictures around of the old Amy, but not many, and they are carefully selected.  Many have been shredded.

    The biggest thing about this is that it is so private.  The memories I have of things, the thoughts I thought, the feelings I stuffed down, the looks....  while I share everything pretty easily, I can't share these things - even with Andy.  And the times come when I am so mad at myself about wasting so many years that I just have to give myself Grace and acceptance, and not focus on what is behind, but what is ahead.

    What is ahead???  Life.  Fun.  Laughter. Playing. Walking.  Enjoying food in it's proper place.  Not burying feelings any more. Ever.


    I saw myself in HEB yesterday.  My old self.  She was about my age, riding in that awful motorized cart because walking the store was too much for her.  Struggling to get out of the seat to reach for items up high.  Not looking at people she met.  I smiled at her as I walked by, and buried the desire to "witness" to her about my surgery.  She didn't know that I'd been where she is....

     So - today is my second birthday.  I catch myself in the mirror or my shadow as I walk in the sun, or in a store window,  and I am happy.  I like how I look in my clothes, which I buy too often now.  I can fit anywhere I want to fit, and most of all, I "look" normal.  I am happy.