Facing One's Biggest Fears

My first memory of going to the dentist was in 4th grade. I was sitting in a dark library at school, watching a black and white film about bears, when my nerve became exposed somehow, and I ended up on the floor in extreme pain. Mom came to get me, and they drug me into my great-uncle's office, where he proceeded to hold me down and yank out the offending tooth. It marred me for life...
Over the course of my adulthood, I have gone long stretches of my life with seeing a dentist and taking care of my teeth. Now, I am 55, and am truly paying the price for that neglect. "Happy Pills" and nitrous oxide have become my friend, but up until yesterday, I'd avoided at all costs (my teeth, usually!) the dreaded Root Canal.

I cannot tell you how paralyzed I was yesterday as I waited for the appointment. As much as I tried to keep thinking of other things, I was unable to remove that fear from my mind. Even as I entered the office, I was frozen. While the process was uncomfortable at some points it was not nearly as painful as I imagined!! I'm sure the full dosage of "happy pills" helped, but I think my dentist's gentle touch had a lot to do with it also. I came home with no pain. None!

So, now I can face the other one in a couple of months, knowing I will save my tooth and live to tell about it.

I'm really proud of myself!!

Blogging about Mom

I've opened this site several times since Mom's fall a week ago, to update and share the events as they unfolded, but as you know, I haven't written a word.

I've only felt this "at a loss" once before, and that's when my dad was injured and later died. Going through the motions at work and home, I just feel like time and the mundane things that fill my day are stopped mid-stream. When we were dealing with Dad's condition, Andy took over; food, laundry, girls' needs, his own needs. I was worthless in the running of our lives as long as Dad was where he was. I was - and still am! - greatful for all Andy did to make life seem relatively normal for the girls, and providing our food, shelter, and clean underwear as we waited.

Now, it's his mom who's rocked our little life all to pieces. What I realize today as I finally post this is - Andy's reacting the same way as he did in 1990! I guess that is his way of keeping his life centered, while some people fall apart, he just hunkers down and gets things done.

So, as Mom progresses and improves, and we wonder what life will be like now for her and Dad, Andy is constant. He is focused.

He is wonderful.

My favorite phobia

Are you phobic about anything? I guess everyone is about something, but mine has really come back to haunt me.

As a child, I never was taken to the dentist. My first experience was one of sitting in the library watching a film about a bear when I suddenly fell to the floor in tremendous pain from an unexpected toothache. The teacher called my mother and she took me to the local dentist who sidelined as an interogist for the CIA using torture. Not really. In fact, he was a relative, which made matters worse!!

So. Over the years, my dealings with the dentist have been sporadic and fearful. I had 2 or 3 that I really liked, but either I moved or one committed suicide. (That REALLY did not help me!) I was always good about taking the girls and keeping up with their visits, but could not make myself go. At one point, I drove to the office 3 times and left without ever going in.

Now, here I am at 53 with a mess of a mouth. I have to go, and soon. I'm not in pain, but I know it will come if I don't take care of it. To top it off, I just found out my dentist does not have nitrous oxide anymore, which made my getting in the chair a lot easier. Now, it will only be the happy pill and me.

Silly, right? But even now, as I sit here, my stomach is quaking with the thought of it. I really need help....

Yesterday was not fun...

Before I had surgery, Andy and I went into town and saw "Letters From Iwo Jima" and really enjoyed it. There was one scene, though that really was hard to watch: the Japanese soldiers were choosing to commit suicide rather than be taken prisoner by the U.S. soldiers. They would pull the pin on their grenades and hold it to their chest while it went off. After my surgery, all I could see in my mind's eye was my incision blowing open like those guys. Well, yesterday, I thought it happened!

Andy was getting ready to go to work, and I was laying in bed. I decided to get up to go to the bathroom before he left, and when I got to the restroom, I looked down and saw blood all over me! To say I panicked is an understatement. He had to get me laid down and put toilet paper over me. He examined me and said I had a little opening in my incision about the size of a pencil point. Then, he called Dr. Massey; whose office wasn't open yet. We waited. The blood seemed to stop, and I fell back asleep. About 9:15, his nurse called and Andy explained what was going on - she said I was probably fine, but to take me to the er just in case.

What evidently happened was that I'd built up a pocket of fluid underneath my incision and when it burst, it came out through my stitches. I remembered later feeling a really hard lump the day before right where the opening was. The er doctor gave me antibiotics and sent me home. To say I lay still all day is an understatement; I was petrified. I go see Massey Monday for him to look at it, but things seem to be okay. He told us it would continue to leak out, but it hasn't been too bad. I was just really down, I felt it was a big step backwards in my recovery. I was glad to know, though, that it wasn't something I'd done to cause it.

So, for now, I'm still here. Dana's coming to spend the weekend with her mom (and dad), so that will brighten my spirits. I'm going to try to keep things together, and hope to get to worship tomorrow.

I"ll keep you posted!