Two Sides of Being Invisible

Yesterday, Andy and I went to San Antonio to redeem some Christmas gift cards and have lunch (on a gift card! :) ) As we were walking out of Red Lobster, I said to him, "Today, I feel invisible in a good way!

Before, I was invisible in such a bad way. If you've ever see "Chicago" the musical, there's a song called "Mr. Celophane". In the movie version, John C. Reilly does it as a clown, on a dark stage, all alone. The lines that ran through my head were: "You can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there." That is the invisible me of before. Looking back now, 10 months and 8 days post surgery, I see in in a glaring fashion. I sought invisibility because of my weight and appearance... I hid in dark corners, on my pew, in a crowd of people because I knew what people thought when they looked at me. (That's another post for another day.... I'm trying hard to be positive in this one!! )

This new invisibility is NORMAL. I no longer "stand out" in a crowd ... I look like just another woman walking down the street. I can slide into a booth at a restaurant, or sit on a chair without needing to find a "sturdy" one that won't break if I sit on it. When people notice me, it's because I am smiling at them, or looking them in the eye and saying "hello." I blend in with the world.

It's crazy the things you "see" after this surgery. Who ever would have seen being invisible as such a GOOD thing?!?

Christmas Wrap-up

Home again after some wonderful days in Houston to celebrate the holidays with family! We packed a lot into those days, and it began on Thursday when we saw Dana for the first time since Aug. While she looks pretty much the same, I know this experience has changed her; seeing all she has seen and looked at the world from a different angle opens ones eyes.

Our trip over was along the back way, so less hectic - until we missed a turn and ended up way out of our way. Doesn't matter, we got there in time to be with the kids when they woke up from their naps. Erin made some delicious taco salads for dinner, and then it was souvenir time! Dana brought some beautiful pieces of pottery from Egypt, a lovely picture frame and some foreign coins. Erin and I got colorful purses from her trip to Singapore; I now realize all the pictures I missed taking, but I carry them always in my memory!

The next day was to be our Christmas as the Johnsons were leaving the next day for Dallas to be with Gregg's family. We had sausage balls for breakfast - our tradition. Since we had cooking to do for the LaMore gathering, Dana and I braved the crowds at HEB to finish shopping. Not too bad, actually! Once we got home, and my cake was in the oven, it was time to open gifts. Erin put on some delicious green beans and potatoes, while Gregg cooked steak on the grill. A feast for us in the making.

Gifts were wonderful; Andy did great shopping at James Avery, the kids liked their toys, and the older kids seemed happy with their items. It's funny how a little "robot" dog can occupy a kid! In the middle of all the excitement, the realtor called; Gregg and Erin had received an offer on their house, and she needed to come over! We kept the kids out of their way - kind of - and ate when all was said and done. After finishing preparing the rest of our food and giving the kids a short nap, off we went to the Hampton.

Most of the family was there - Mom looked beautiful with a new haircut and pretty pink sweater. It seemed to overwhelm her some, and after our usual gift-card exchange, she was ready for bed. Some of us went over to Chris' house for a little visit, and then back to the Johnsons.

Christmas Eve started with the Johnsons loading up and getting on their way. The three of us relaxed until it was time to get out of the house. We took Dana to her favorite Mexican restaurant; Lupe Tortilla's - wow! Yummy enchiladas and fajitas! Then, some shopping at REI for books for our desert hiker, then on to Christmas Eve at Houston's First. Lovely music; overwhelmingly beautiful. Usually I sing with all my heart, and for the most part, I could just listen and look. One of Dana's friends met us there with saved seats, so we could just waltz in and be comfortable. On the way home, we stopped for Starbucks cocoa and Red Box movies. Too tired to watch but 1 of them, we fell in bed.

Sunday morning was just like any other Sunday. We worshipped at Memorial Church of Christ, where we saw some of Dana's friends from A&M. Mark is living in Peru now, and will be married soon in Montana. You have to wait in line to visit Mark, but it is worth it when your turn comes. Lunch at Luby's was a first for me (on Christmas Day!), then we went home. A brief rest and a change of clothes sent us back to the Hampton. There, we picked up Mom and Dad and their care-giver and went for dinner at Denny's. (Dad loves his poached eggs!!) After a short visit, we were in the car once again.... to the movie! Another friend of Dana's met us there, and we enjoyed "We Bought a Zoo!" Good choice, Chris!

Yesterday was our last day there. Dana and I headed out to the outlet mall to do some shopping for her trip back to Egypt, and I threw in some birthday shopping for her. It began to rain pretty good, and we were hungry, so we headed back to Erin's. While the parking lot was about half empty when we arrived, it was like Field of Dreams when we left; cars lined up out on the highway! At home, the lunch we planned on having Christmas Day was finally prepared and enjoyed, complete with Welch's Sparkling Grape Soda! Yummy if I may say so! We finished watching Super 8 (fun movie!), and by then the Johnsons were almost home.

So. We waited. Didn't want to pass up a chance to get one more grandbaby fix! Just a few minutes means a lot! Finally, we were on our way. Heavy traffic along with the end of the Christmas music made the trip go fast. At last the Spurs came on the radio, and Pleasanton was in view.

Today, I am so grateful for this Christmas. I came home with such sweet things from people who love me, video of Liz and Bladen to keep me happy, and a peaceful spirit. My daughter is safely home from across the globe, and I had her with me for several days. All of us are healthy, with dreams of a new Johnson in the mix for next year! I can't think of one thing more that I would want!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's almost time!

Yesterday I went in to the drs to talk about some things I have going on with my legs... and she told me that when I reach my 1 year milestone, they will have me write my testimonial about the surgery and the first year. I've been thinking about doing it all along, but knowing they want me to put it on paper is daunting....

How do you sum up in a few words the past two years - I say two because the year leading up to it was pivotal in itself; my decision to retire, the subsequent change in insurance carriers, and the knowledge that the surgery would be covered are as important as any other factor! Looking back, deciding to end my teaching career saved my life!

So, while I have a couple of months to ponder, I'm going to work on getting my brain wrapped around this whole process. Thank goodness for this blog, so that I can reflect on what all happened!!

I'll keep you posted -

Inez and Elaine

Growing up, my Mamaw always had peacocks... she had lots of different kinds of critters around between her love of nature and Papaw's cravings to taste all creatures great and small! The peacocks were kept in the chicken coop out behind her "round house" kitchen, and we would go out and see them on each visit down to Alice.

Mamaw loved those peacocks and was fiercely protective of them. On our visits, she would always let me pick a couple of their beautiful feathers off the ground to take home with me. It was a treasure that I always looked forward to, and a memory I keep dear to me to this day.

Not so long ago, Andy and I were in the Hill Country for some reason, and we passed a little shop beside the road. Standing out beside the sign for the shop was a tin, painted peacock, feathered tail spread wide for all to see. I yelled at Andy to pull over - I HAD to have that peacock for my yard!! But, the shop was closed. After seeing that, it became my mission to find that type of peacock again....

Last May, we were on our way to my cousins' , and in Burnet, we found it! Almost an identical peacock to the one in the Hill Country, and Andy pulled in so that I could get my treasure. It rode on its back the entire weekend, and when we got to my cousin's I shared the memory of Mamaw and my quest to find the tin peacock. I named "her" Inez, after my Mamaw (although the peacock in my yard is male, since they are the ones who spread their tails!! He'll never know Inez is a girl's name... :)

Just the other day, we were back at my cousin's for a reunion. We had a great visit, and once the visit was over, my cousin told me to wait - she had something for me. You guessed it, a peacock! A beautiful ornament for my Christmas tree that is already in its place of honor. It was just the kind of thing that my cousin does; listens and acts on what she learns with love.

The new peacock shares her name: Elaine !

Come over, and I'll introduce them both to you!!

Wish I'd said it!

Yesterday, I was in Target picking up some things I "needed" - it was the middle stop of a great day of discretionary spending, and I was feeling happy to be out. The check-out lines were busy with other shoppers, and as I approached, I noticed the appearance of my cashier....

"Lydia" was in her early 20s - a beautiful girl with a round, young face, those dark brown eyes that Hispanics have that I have always loved, and short, cropped hair. She had a pleasant smile, but I could tell that she was tired. She greeted me with the usual, "good morning" that she'd been trained to do. In a minute, she looked at me again and said, "good morning" and when I didn't respond, she said that she's already said that, right? We chuckled about that, and she zipped my purchases across the scanner.

As I stood there, I noticed that in about 5 places, she'd had her face pierced. A couple on her cheekbones were recent, because the skin was inflamed from the procedure. A couple of scars were already forming, and all I could see was what she will look like at my age....

I hesitated, and decided against saying to her, "Look at me; I'm 57. Before you know it, you will be on this side of your life, and when you look at yourself, you will see scars on your lovely face." That kind of thinking hits you at this stage of your life - not in your 20s. And you sure don't want some middle-aged woman you don't know getting into your business. So, I smiled, thanked her, and left.

As I walked to her car, I regretted my decision. Why didn't her mom or grandma or boyfriend or SOMEONE tell her how lovely she is, just as God made her? Why does our society encourage people to embellish themselves with things that they will regret in their later years? Why didn't she feel pretty enough....

Then, I thought of my girls. Dana - Erin; the most beautiful girls I've ever known, inside and out. I hope I told them that enough.

Sitting with Mom

Yesterday, we went by the Hampton to see Mom and Dad. Dad was ready to go eat at Olive Garden, but Mom was asleep, so we decided that we'd bring her back a plate. Just as we were preparing to leave, Andy's brother came by for his Sat. visit, and needed to talk to dad about some matters. I decided to go in and sit with Mom, even though she was asleep.

As I sat there, many thoughts ran through my mind; about how she was always so busy and active, how she would tell me to go lay down when I was sleepy, and how strong a woman she had been all they years I'd known her. To see her now is discouraging, to say the least....

In a bit, she awoke, and I asked her how she was. She smiled, and I knew that she knew it was me there in the chair. She answered me and began telling me all sorts of things, in Dutch. Dutch is her native tongue, and since her fall she has reverted back to it from time to time. As we sat there, she was really telling me about something - but I couldn't understand her. As she spoke, I kept remembering how the doctors wanted us to remind her to speak in English, to "retrain" her brain to that language. I decided not to, to just let her speak freely and openly, even though I had no idea what I was hearing. At one point, I looked over at Dara, her nurse, and said "I hope she isn't telling me something really important!" But I sat there, responding in the best way I could.

Finally, we went to lunch, and when we returned, Mom was speaking in English again. I never said anything to her about before, and for all I know, she didn't even remember what she'd told me. Dad said I should have reminded her to speak English, but my heart told me to leave her alone and let her speak comfortably. She was at peace.

As I sit with Mom on these visits, I am overwhelmed with emotion. After her initial fall, I was alone with her in her hospital room, and I told her how much I respected her, and how grateful I have always been for her love and care for Andy. How I know that his life is good because she came into it after losing his birth mother to cancer at age 4. How much security and sense of purpose both she and Dad gave to him and to Bruce to make what they went through a part of their life, but NOT their life. I hope she understood.

Whatever happens to Mom in the future is in God's hands, and we are dealing with each thing as it happens. She is 87 years old, and things are gearing down. The stories she tells about being a teenager during WWII and her coming to the US and meeting Dad are spellbinding. What she experienced made her strong, brave, resilient, and longsuffering. Her husband and children were so molded by those experiences, and each one manifests her teachings and examples in their lives in bold ways.

Andy and I don't get to Houston every weekend, so our times with them have to make the most of it. As I sat there on Saturday, I tried to give her all the love and tenderness that I could. I hope she knows....

I hate it when this happens!

In the deep of night, I had something I really wanted to post about today - now, I can't remember it for the life of me!!

Next time, I'll write it down immediately!

Reflections on the Campaign

It's the Monday after Victory Sunday... the campaign in its formal sense is behind us, and we are all both exhausted and invigorated! Here is a feeble attempt at putting my thoughts and feelings into print:

~ There is not much more thrilling than watching a soul born again; their excitement is contagious, their sorrow at the old life humbling, and their precious wonder at it all is overwhelming to observe. Even at # 35, it was fresh and new!

~ Meeting Christians from all over the nation gives me encouragement that the church is alive and well. Some were quiet and reflective, others exhuberant and contaigous in their zeal! Most were in their retirement years, experiences in campaign life and presentation, and some on their first adventure. All loved God and people with a passion.

~ Our people here are amazing to watch at their job. Janitors, cooks, trash taker-outers, studiers, prayers, secretaries... elders, ministers, paid staff and volunteers; this bonded us in a way I truly prayed would happen. Yesterday at the fellowship meal, I saw the campaign director huddled in prayer with one of our elders, and it was if they were alone without knowledge that there were 200 or more swirling around them. I cried.

~ Sometimes you are ashamed of how you go into something, knowing that God is going to do something powerful and you want to be there for every minute, but you really dread it. What I mean is, I was apprehensive of this to begin with - too many things to go into detail here - but I didn't want the day to come when I would look back and say that I'd missed it. And I am so glad I knew to do that. If we let it, this will be something that we look back at as pivotal to our church family.

~ Yes, there are people who will mess it up if you let them. People who get their attitudes up and act like, well, humans. People who make judgements without knowing situations or giving folks a chance. People, just like me sometimes, who just don't care. But you get over them and go on... to their confusion and sadness.

~ Constantly you are reminded of the simplicity and power of the Gospel. I am so thankful that the campaign reminded me of how God made it so beautifully easy for us to be with Him if we will have open hearts and minds. Thank you Larry West for your sermon yesterday for the new babes in Christ; this 40+ year old Christian needed that, too!

~ and finally, you fall in love anew with people you have worshipped alongside for years. When you are side-by-side with them for 10 days, you see such strength and determination.

~ "To Him who is able to do exceedingly more than we can ask or IMAGINE, be honor, glory and Praise for ever and ever more!"

Funny how that worked out!

Yesterday, my duties at lunch were circumvented by my friends Susie and Ed. Folks had been stopping me and telling me how tired I looked, and I had told Susie that I was pulling out of our Wed. study because I was about to collapse. Well, when I arrived to do my shift, she met me at the door and told me to go home; she was taking my place. After a little arguing, I obeyed...

That "happened" to be the morning the workers showed up to start some work on the house that we'd contracted. I wouldn't have been here if I'd stayed - thanks, Susie!

Then, I got a call that one of my life-long friends was in ICU in San Antonio. Again, if I'd been on my feet all day long, there was no way I'd have had the energy to go and sit with her sweet family. Thanks, Susie!

Thanks to the Father for arranging to take care of me yesterday through his servants, the Pursches! Now, I'm ready to take on today!!

Meet my two new friends

When I first heard that we were doing a "door-knocking" campaign, my heart sank. I AM not a door-knocker, so I decided that my job was going to be to make those coming as comfortable and welcome as I could. Over the course of the two weeks, we have been meeting brothers and sisters from 15 states, including Texas! I'd like to introduce you to two of my favorites -

Thomas is from Long Island, New York. We met as he was speeding through the fellowship hall at lunch the first day, and he "blew me off" because he was focused on what he needed. For the rest of that day, he came to me apologizing for being rude. I was hooked. The next morning, he asked me to help him surprise his host and the man who is taking him back and forth to the airport with giftcards from HEB. So, we devised a plan to sneak off and accomplish our mission. At HEB, everyone he saw got an explanation of his accent and an invitation to our campaign. He was bold, and I watched as people took his literature welcoming them. He leaves to go home tomorrow, and I will miss him. We will soon be Facebook friends and have exchanged email addresses. I told him if he ever comes back to Texas, let me know!

Cherie is from Missouri or Kansas; I forget which. On her drive down, at a fast food place, her purse was stolen. When she got here, she got lost driving to her "home" and ended up in the next county. (4 days later, she called her sister, and the restaurant had JUST called to tell her that not only did they find her purse, everything was in it but some of her cash!!) She is not a quitter, this woman. She has flaming red hair. I loved her immediately - today, we had our picture taken together. She tells me that Andy and I give marriage a "good name", and that if she lived here, I'd be her mentor. Wow. We decided that if we'd been in high school together, we'd have been friends. I hate for her to go....

But, that's what Heaven is for.... Being in the church my whole life has taught me that it is a small place where you meet people you already know. People who may be the same or very different from you, but the bond and love of Christ connects you as nothing else will.

All the workers are as sweet as can be - and I hoped I've accomplished my goal. I hope when they arrive back at home, Pleasanton will have been a loving, welcoming place.

You did it too?!?!

During our ongoing campaign, souls are being taught the Gospel, which has already resulted in sereral baptisms into Christ. It's been an amazing few days, but this afteroon takes the cake!

This moring, a woman I'll call Ruth was baptized. She came over afterwards and joined us in the fellowship room for lunch. We were all getting to know her, when Ray comes in and announces, "There's another baptism!! Come this way!" Well, everyone leaves their plates and walks over to the auditorium, Ruth included. Ray takes the confession of faith, and off they go. In just a bit, they go into the water, and her sins are washed away! Exciting!

After she dries off and comes out, we form a circle, and sing a couple of songs. Now, a man named Reggie is talking to her about her new church family, and she is looking around at all our faces... suddenly, she begins to beam and point to a face in the crowd.

It's Ruth! They are friends, and before we know it, she exclaims - "You did it, too?!?" Ruth shyly nods her head, and the next instant, they are in each other's arms, hugging and smiling!!
Two friends are now sisters in Christ!! I couldn't sing the next song I was so moved! Their joy shook through me with such power - as it did everyone in the circle!!

It's Monday; how many more Ruth and Sandy's will there be?!?

My how things have changed!!

Today, reflecting on the first week of our campaign, Dana said "Mom, you seem so much more involved in this than you have in things in a long while." That made the think about how much things have changed in the past two years...

Two years ago, I was still teaching. While I loved my job and my students with passion, things were set into motion to make that my last year. Not until about July did I wake up laughing and rested, and realized how the stress of the year had taken its toll. Now, I am able to enjoy each and every hour of the campaign as I wish, without worrying about sick days, personal days, subs, and lesson plans. My time is mine to use as I please....

Also, two years ago, I was at my heaviest and in the poorest health of my life. I had no energy, no desire, no nothing. I was alive, but I wasn't living. I was barely making it through the day sometimes. I didn't WANT to be involved in anything because that would take away whatever energy I needed to muster to get to work and go through the day.

So. Two life-changing events in the last two years have brought me back. The other day as I was helping serve lunch to the workers, one lady told me I was "cute." Hmmm, I'm 56 and cute?!? Then, she asked me if I was always like that... I hesitated and then said, "I used to be. Then I lost myself for a few years. Now, I am back." I heard it as I said it, and it was so honest and blunt. And so true.

I like having myself back!!!

New life all around

The past couple of weeks, I've been surrounded by new life. My sweet daughter is expecting her third child, who I am so eagerly anticipating! Next, two sweet women had beautiful, healthy baby girls on the same day as my granddaughter turned 3. Then on Wednesday, I was at a friend's house where she showed me her "collection" of Monarch cocoons just waiting to hatch with butterflies. And now, the campaign is going full force. We have already had 5 souls joined with Christ! The similarities of these beginnings was too much for me to ignore; that all around us are lives just beginning....

While I participate in the campaign over the next several days, hopefully more people will become my new brothers and sisters in Christ. My obligation to them is at one level intimidating, yet thrilling. And while they are joining our family, the cocoons will open up and free the beautifully winged butterflies into the earth.

Thank you God for beginnings!

What's next??

For months now, our congregation has been planning and working toward an evangelistic campaign. This week, it began in force with the arrival of workers from 14 different states! They are camped out at a new RV spot on our property and are staying in members' homes. We are looking forward to getting to know these people who take saving souls and encouraging members very seriously!!

I'm wondering what the next two weeks will hold in store: what will the Lord do through this effort?! He is - and always shall be - the One in charge. He will be the One who receives the Glory for each and every soul found or restored. And afterwards, when everyone has returned to their home - what will we do as a congregation with all these new brothers and sisters?? Are we prepared? Are we open to accepting them with all they bring to our fellowship? Will we be what they need on a daily basis to make the transition???

I'm really trying to open my heart to the evangelistic slant of this campaign. Door knocking and confrontation (hopefully GOOD confrontation!) are not my strong-suit. I like to see myself as an encourager, a supporter, an up-lifter. I want to "be there" for those people who are giving day and night to reach the lost; that's my heart. But is it really? !! Am I justifying my lack of confidence by saying this?? I am truly seeking the desire to get out there with the workers, and right now it just isn't there....

I will be there every day as much as I can. I want to see the additions come, one by one. I don't want to look back and say, "Man, I missed that!!" This could be a turning point for our church family, and I want to be God's servant in whatever way I can....

We are off to a great start; last night we circled up under the trees and prayed for over an hour. People we love, situations, requests for safety and good health. It was an exciting time to share amongst those of us there.

So, tonight is our first meeing. Who and what will the Lord God provide for us? Who will listen and obey? What will be the outcome?!?

We're here, Lord. Show us!!

Preview of good things to come!

Yesterday was a wonderful day. Andy was off, and we took to SA before noon. Had a delicious lunch at Texas Roadhouse, (thanks to a gift card!) and then headed to Lowe's. Spent some time in there dreaming - even strolled through the Christmas aisles - and purchased some needed items for the house. Next up, I went to get some new slacks for winter. Down 4 sizes since February, my stuff from last year's wardrobe looks like clown clothes now. Two more sizes, and I'll kiss the Plus-size stores goodbye!! We toodled home leisurely after than and spent some time working in the yard. Chinese food for dinner, and it was the end of the day.

If this is a preview of our retirement years together, I can hardly wait!!

Writer's block

I know it's been a long, long time since I've posted anything. I've meant to, and wanted to, but when it came to actually putting my thoughts on "paper", I have to confess to having a severe block. We've been through a lot the last two months, with Dana leaving for Cairo, a trip to Ruidoso, Andy's parents, and a trip to Corpus; but nothing seems to want to come....

So, this is my attempt at finally getting back to it. I'm gonna give it my best effort!!

6 months later....

Before my surgery in February, I listed several "reasons" I was having it - and now, I'm happy to announce that I've reached one of the most important ones!! Last Sunday, I was able to wear my wedding ring to worship!!

When Andy and I became engaged, he asked his dad for the rings his birth mother wore when they married (Dad had already mentioned Andy getting them "someday", so it wasn't out of the blue.) Well, her rings were white gold, and I wanted my own set anyway, so we took out the diamonds and returned the setting to Dad.

When I got to church, it was my intention to show only a couple of those closest to me; but not Andy! Before I knew it, everyone was wanting to see my hand! One lady said - "They look brand new!" - they should; I've not worn them since Erin was a little girl....

So, today I go to see my surgeon. I'd told him of my goal, and his response was that, in all the years he's done this surgery, no one had ever told him of wanting to put their wedding ring back on. Today, he sees it in it's rightful place. I plan to take my camera to record the event!

This happens every time!

Before my surgery, I had to meet with a "Behavioralist" - part of the process of insurance... guess they wanted to see inside my head before they invested thousands of dollars on "fixing" me. One thing I told her is that I tend to sabotage myself with every diet. Once the pounds coming off draws attention for others, I jump back into eating - it's a power thing. (That's a post for another day...)

Last night, everyone at church (even folks along the wall who didn't come up to me) noticed. The weight is obviously coming off quickly now, for which I am grateful, but the attention is overwhelming. All the hugs, smiles, comments, pats, "acceptance" is really pushing me right now. The only thing keeping me from falling back into the old pattern of stuffing my face is the fact the I'll either throw it up or become severely constipated. I know, way too much info!! So, I sit here, trying to accept this new reality. People are liking how I look now, and I cannot hide myself from them anymore. My new clothes fit - meaning that I am not in my usual tent.

One thing that keeps going through my brain is that - if they are so happy with me now, how awful must I have looked before?! Was I so unattractive that people dreaded seeing me? I know I have seen others that were uncomfortable to look at, and the thought that I was perceived that way hurts. "They" would say to me - "we just love you and were so worried about your health", but it doesn't feel like that when all I am complimented on is how I look. Just too much... even though I know it is said in love....

So, as I sit here dreaming of baked potatoes, pizza, Sonic cheeseburgers and tots and lots and lots of Coke, I wait. I wait for this to pass and for acceptance of the "new" Amy. The old one is still here, though - raising her ugly self in defiance.

What a Difference a Year Makes!

(I am no good at manipulating pictures!! This one should be at the end of the post!!)

One year ago this month, I started a journey that - to this point - has pretty much changed everything about my life. Here I am with my brother in July in Florida.

On the trip home, I told Andy that I'd found out from a friend that my new insurance through Teacher Retirement would cover gastric bypass surgery. We knew it was something that I would have to do, because my health was truly suffering from the load of my weight. Not an easy thing to admit, but I was in a "perfect storm" coming to a serious landfall. Once we were home, I contacted the doctor after confirming it through my insurance.

I did not begin seeing Dr. Duperier until the beginning of October, shortly before Liz's second birthday. Not until I was approved for the surgery did I tell anyone - not even Dana or Erin... just too scared it would not happen.

Feb. 22 was the day of the actual surgery, but I'd been in preparation for a couple of months to get my body ready. Weight began coming off even then!

Now, a year after that initial conversation with Andy, here I am at Minutemaid Park a few weeks ago - the change startled me when I first saw it on "film"!

I have a long way to go, but I am confident it will pass quickly!

I really don't like pictures of myself, but if I have to post one - here it is. Andy and I in Burnet on our 35th wedding anniversary last month. He makes me happy every day!

2 Songs

Are you KIDDING me; two songs only!!!??! Here go two of my all-time favorites:


"You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon; the volume rises substantially when this one comes on!! Fun, fun, fun!

"Untitled Hymm" by Chris Rice; I always think of Jennifer and Mark Palmer, a young married couple who died way too early in life from cancer. Makes me weep each and every time.

3 Films

3 Films:

1. Silverado (You know this is a favorite because you can repeat most of the lines!!)

2. The most recent Star Trek; great new faces on familiar friends!

3. Chicago; I would have LOVED to be in that movie!! "Celophane" is my song!

4 Books

These 4 books stay with me -

1. The Relatives Came (reminds me of my family in my youth)

2. The Thorn Birds

3. Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

4. The Bible

5 foods

This is a hard one to do, because the ones I'm listing are ones that are no longer in my routine menu!! Here goes:


1. Cheese enchiladas covered in gravy and cheese - hands down vote for my final meal if I were to pick one!

2. Pizza

3. Cheesy crackers (I'm sensing a cheese theme here!)

4. A good Sonic cheeseburger

5. Chili's babyback ribs


Man, I'm hungry now!!

6 PLACES

6 Places I love or want to visit:

1. Heaven

2. Mountains - any height, any place!

3. Worship

4. Dana and Erin's homes

5. Road trip along the California coastline

6. Andy's arms

7 wants

This list could be so much longer!!

~ Heaven
~ to meet and love Dana's husband
~ more grandchildren !!
~ to grow old with Andrew
~ a dog
~ a better relationship with my siblings
~ vacations to California, DC, and Canada! (can I count those as one wish?!?)

8 Fears

This is a personal one!

8 Fears:

1. Dying young
2. Losing one of my family
3. Not having enough money
4. Cancer
5. Our nation falling to another country
6. Having to go back to work full-time (i.e. - # 3)
7. Falling
8. Being alone in a country where no one speaks English (right now, not a problem!!)

9 Loves....

9 loves:

~ pictures of Liz and Bladen
~ singing
~ laughing with Jackie
~ vacations - esp. road trips!
~ seeing Andy teach and lead
~ talking to Dana and Erin for hours
~ houses
~ my cousins
~ Sunday nights


That was easy!!!

Following Dana's Lead...

10 Secrets about me....

1. Although I enjoy singing alto, I'd love to have a clear, strong Soprano voice.
2. I'd have 5 dogs, if Andy'd let me.
3. I wanted to hitch-hike across the country after high school, but Mama almost died when she heard and forbid me to go. I obeyed.
4. Cathy and I flushed our feet in the toilet in Austin one day after walking around a lot. (I have the picture to blackmail her!)
5. Jimmy Carr kissed me one night while we were eating pizza.
6. I'm afraid of being thin.
7. I once found some "dirty" pictures of my brother under his nightstand. Don't remember WHY I was looking under there.
8. For many years, I was scared of my inlaws.
9. I would love to play tennis.
10. I have always wanted to dye my hair red. Auburn, really.

Marriages In, Marriages Out

This has been a very difficult week in the land of marriage - while a sweet young couple faces their dreams of a great life together beginning this weekend, I know of three marriages that have fallen apart recently. Two marriages based on a commonality of faith, servants of the Lord, who have been torn apart. Two, couples I've known for many years, and loved with all my heart; the other, a couple I know through association. Doesn't matter - they are still losing the dream they once had; to grow old together and see life at its best along the way.

There are so many thoughts running through my head on this; where did it fall apart - surely not overnight, but - if you see it coming, can't you "fix" it??? Can't what you had be enough to hold it together???

When Andy is in court, and has to hear divorce cases, he comes home and holds on to me really tight - I think it scares him; I know it has me this week. No matter how much you deny it, this has pretty much ruined my week... and there's not much I can do - but pray. For them, for their kids, for their moms and dads who love them, for their friends who knew them as two, not one. For their church families, who looked to them as examples of commitment. For their God.

The thing that gives me hope is the knowledge I have of couples who have faced the unthinkable and survived with their marriages whole. I see them, and I think - "Why not? Who says we have to accept this decision they are making?? Who says the "easy way" is the only way...."

So, today, I will pray. And pray. And pray some more.

Their marriages are worth at least that -

Heaven on Earth

I have always loved the Hill Country ever since I was 14 and spent a week at Camp Bandina for the first time - so it was a natural choice for a place to spend our anniversary last week. I'd seen Canyon of the Eagles on the internet a while back, and searched for it again recently. As soon as I saw the pictures, I knew it was the place!

After a meandering drive along Highway 16, we got checked in and settled in for an afternoon of relaxation. Our room (in a quadplex) overlooked the lake, and it was so very peaceful!! During the course of the weekend, we took a wonderful boat ride along the river, met some wonderful people, and ate some delicious food... but the highlight had to be Saturday evening! When cloudy weather cancelled our evening at the Planetarium, we settled into our rocking chairs and watched the coming rain. And it came with a mighty roar! Our building had a tin roof, and we were pounded with huge raindrops and golfball sized hailstones! While I was concerned about our car sitting our front, the storm was so awesome that it was worth it - luckily, my car survived with only some leaves blown on top of it!!

Andy relaxing - and reading on our porch - the views were amazing. Who needs t.v.??!!

We are already looking forward to a trip in the Fall - the Bald Eagles nest there, and we hear the colors are amazing!! Can't wait to see for myself!!

A hard post to write...

This Sunday will mark the 3 month date of my surgery! While it seems to be going by fast, and my life improves daily, there are times when my "previous life" feel eons ago.

Some days, I am so angry - at other people for being able to eat "normally", but mostly at myself. Where was this determination so many pounds ago?!? Where was my desire to be healthier and more active when I could have kept this from being a neccessity; where was my desire to be able to wear beautiful clothes, to shop for fun things to wear instead of what I could find that would fit?? Why didn't I care enough about myself and my family until I almost ruined it all....

These are hard questions to face. I know, the hysterectomy and dead thyroid didn't help, and Dr. Cruz pointed out that I most likely have the "fat" gene, but over all, this is my doing. Or lack of...

But - those days are behind me now. I am learning to adjust to my new way of life, and everyone is there for me, cheering me on. For that, I am grateful beyond measure!

Now, if I can just cheer for myself.

Old vs. New

Last year, my ob-gyn retired. He was ancient, and his office was tiny. They kept the "Christmas Tree" up all year, decorated according to the season. He had pamplets in his waiting room with the "plan of salvation" on them. His exam room and office - where he sat with you after the exam - were filled with tokens of love and appreciation from patients from many years of practice. (A plaque behind his desk said, "Dr. ______, at your cervix" It always made me smile!) He was all business, yet tender.

His practice was bought by a young doctor, whom I'd heard good things about. (When you deal with as many nurses as I have over the past year, you talk about doctors a lot!) So, I decided to give the new guy a try.

Yesterday, I walked into the state-of-the-art offices. It took up half of the bottom floor of the building, and there were 8 doctors alone in his area. (My other doc was the only one in the practice, with one nurse and one secretary) I was shuffled from waiting area to waiting area, talking to patients who'd been waiting for hours when I got there, and so I was about to walk out when it finally came time to meet the fellow.

He was young; not much older than Dana, and was charming. At one point, he reached over and took my hand when he thought I was getting upset. (I wasn't, my eye was watering for some obscure reason) His exam was quick, thorough, and discreet. While the rooms were sterile (literally!) and non-descript, his warmth and interaction made the room seem more personal.

When all was said and done, he said, "I'll see you back in a year" and out he went. Down the conveyor belt of a hall to his next patient.

While I'll miss my other doctor, I think I'll keep this new one -

A Life Remembered

This weekend was so sweet; Mother's Day was awesome, we honored the graduates at church, and Andy and I traveled up North to a sweet little town called Millsap.

Millsap is where my aunt Mary went to live and raise her 5 children following the death of her husband at a young age. My other aunt Lenora lived there, and so it was a perfect choice. We would go up there to visit, and I was pretty unimpressed - Poteet was MUCH larger, you know!!

The kids grew up and moved on - well, not too far away. Aunt Mary lived on dwindling finances as each one left the nest and their government stipend vanished. She needed something to help her out, and since the kids were all athletic, it was natural for her to begin selling tickets to all the games. Living across the street helped keep all the kids nearby, and their friends were staples in the household. Stretching what little money she had, she fed every one of them and often took them in if they needed a place to stay. She kept them in line, and taught them how to be good men and women. They were her kids, too.

At her death a few years ago, the service was filled with kids Mary had "raised" whether in her home or on the sidelines. Now, the ticket booth at the Millsap stadium sports a wonderful tribute plaque to "The Ticket Lady."

We went there this weekend to help with the "Ticket Lady Trot" 5K run. (Andy came in third place in his division!) Everywhere were people who were remembering my aunt and showing their love to my cousins, who set up the scholarship each year in her honor.
It was a day of love and rememberance that I won't forget for a long, long time. It reminded me of the legacy we leave without ever meaning to by our daily lives.

Now, if you asked me my opinion of Millsap, Texas? I think it's a great little town, full of love....

The death of Bin Laden

Osama bin Laden has been all over the news this week; we would have missed the announcement that night if Erin hadn't called - surely one of those things you want to hear when it happens, not the next morning.

As I sat on the couch, listening to the news, I reflected back on events in my life that have caused all other activities to stop - Kennedy being shot, his brother and Martin Luther King, Jr. assassinated soon afterwards, the shuttle blowing up before our eyes, the Oklahoma City bombing, Columbine High School, and, of course, the 9-11 tragedies.

Enough. That's it. We have "closure" now, so let's just have no more of this!! With the exception of the shuttle explosion, all the rest of these events were caused by people who felt they had the right to change the destiny of lives of people far reaching those they murdered. Whatever gave them such delusions of power, that they could take these matters into their own hands? How do we stop more of this from happening in the future?!?

Lord, come quickly....

Living in the dark

Both of my daughters live in the Houston area; and both have made the same comment recently upon coming home: "It is SO dark here at night!"

I guess living in the city, there are always lights; on highways, buildings, signs, and just the crazy amount of other cars you meet while driving. It's one of those things I guess I take for granted; the night and how it surrounds you. It covers you like a big blanket, and on certain nights affords you sights in the heavens that we take for granted. Andy loves to carry his telescope out and view the constellations and the planets, and - to be truthful - often has to beg me to join him.

As we weigh the pros and cons of "someday" moving back to be near family, that is certainly something we would lose by going there - the quiet, stillness of the small town night.

Marvelous May

Before retirement, Jackie always said that she didn't like how I "was" at the end of school; grumpy, tired, and short-tempered. I avoided commitments during the last month in order to keep up the stamina needed to put a year of school to rest. No longer!!

As of today, each and every weekend of May is filled with love and family - the first weekend will take us to Millsap to participate in my cousins' TicketLady Trot to raise money for a scholarship in my aunt's memory. Following the next Saturday will be a weekend visit with some cousins as they journey to the coast for a family vacation. The third weekend is out 35th wedding anniversary - enough said - and the last weekend, we just found out that our friends Steve and Dianne will be coming down from Ohio for a visit!!

Wow! I don't think I could've done all this fun a year ago!! Happy Retirement!!

A Week in Heaven

Yes, 2 year olds are head-strong; one year olds make messes; sleeping without Andy is the pits - but I LOVED my week with the Johnsons!!! Driving in Houston was less stressful, and working around the diet was challenging (but well done!), but I got to see Liz's school and admire Bladen's amazing balance while mastering the walking process!!

I even enjoyed a sugar-free grape snowcone!!

There are sweet memories I will keep forever; rubbing Erin's feet while she rested on the couch beside me, playing Words With Friends with Gregg, snuggling with Liz while she played on Gregg's ITouch, holding them both on my lap for a long, long time watching animals frolick on the computer (My legs finally went numb, and we had to divert their attention to something else!), Bladen folding in laughter as I bounced him on the air mattress, and having Liz say firmly, "Nana, lay down!" as we rested on her bed.

And the killer, "No go car, need more NaNa!" SO hard to walk away, so hard....

So, while I hated to see my sweet daughter so miserable, I relished the time spent with them - talk about a mixed blessing!

Sure makes house-hunting in Houston appealing....!!

Really random thought...

Tuesday, a woman told me that she is "expecting a baby." Cool!! This morning, it hit me; what else would she be "expecting" ?!?!! It's going to be one of those days!!

Dana stated the other day that she is in a "blog freeze" - and I think I have the same problem!! Since my surgery, nothing is coming to mind, other than the surgery; and I don't want that to be my entire focus....

I will say that it is really nice to be free of the heart monitor, though. 3 weeks of wearing it 24/7 got old, and while I found it amazing that our technology has enable folks to do this while living life, the new was over after about 1 week. So, last night, we went into San Antonio to celebrate. My first trip to Carrino's was wonderful - other than watching Andy enjoy the bread and oil. This has to be the hardest part, even harder than giving up Cokes!! Breads and crackers were definitely my weakness, and I miss them a lot.

So. I go back to my surgeon next week for my second check-up. I hope the scale moves downward and that he is happy with my progress. I see it and feel it in many ways, but I want him to be pleased too.

Victory Ring

One of my favorite movies is "Independence Day" with Will Smith. In it, he is a fighter pilot who carries with him a "Victory Dance" cigar to enjoy after each successful mission. He's given me an idea...

When Andy and I married, I received from him the diamonds that were in his birthmother's wedding ring set. We found a setting we liked, and I wore them proudly. Then, my weight gain began, and not long after Erin's birth (28 yrs. ago!) I found them too tight to wear. They have been put away for safekeeping until the day I could wear them again. Later, Andy bought me a "replacement" ring to wear.

I have decided that, since soon that ring will not even fit my thumb, I will sell it for the gold, and buy for myself a "Victory Ring." It will remind me every day of the effort I am putting forth, and the success I will have found. I think I've already found it - James Avery to the rescue - and so now, I wait.

It wil be wonderful!!!

Two Weeks Behind Me

Going in to surgery, I knew things in my life would likely not ever return to the way it had been. I was mentally prepared for the changes I would be facing, and so far, I have been proud of my focus. Time is a biggie in this; two weeks here, the next two weeks, and so on. Andy has been a real trooper, and I owe him big. Did I say big - what an understatement!!

My first words out of surgery were, "I change my mind!" Andy and Jackie had a laugh, but I think I half-way meant it. The next two weeks proved much harder and complicated than I imagined - because the surgery itself went just fine; it was all the drama afterwards.

My heart decided on Thursday to go into spasms. One minute, I'm watching the Spurs, the next - my room is filled with all sorts of folks because my heart is in fibrillation. Scary is not the word; it truly was undescribable. If not for those nurses beside me, I think I would have been totally out of control. (See previous post)

The rest of my time in the hospital was spent in dealing with getting my heart back into its normal rhythm, and now I am at home wearing a monitor for three weeks. The doctors in the know suspect that this was a result of stress from the surgery, and that all should be just fine. I am taking them at their word. As far as I know, I haven't skipped a beat since, pun intended!

So, less than two weeks out of surgery, I am off my diabetes and high blood pressure meds. That alone makes this whole thing bearable.

And last night, I rejoined the group at DQ! Yes, I sat there, surrounded by fries, gravy and cokes, sipping on my unsweetened tea. Instead of feasting on the food that put me where I am now, I feasted on conversation and love.

Why didn't I figure this out years ago?!?!

Angels Among Us

This past week has offered me many things to blog about. Unfortunately, there was no computer available, and when there was, no brain to use.



I know that I am loved. I have come in the past year or so to feel it in so many ways among family, church members and friends - and I have come to accept and relish that affection. But this past week, I was loved by people who had no history with me or the eventuality of a future friendship. They loved me because they are servants of healing - nurses, doctors, surgeons, respiratory therapists, and ladies who cleaned my room. While in my presence, I was their priority and focus.



At one very low point, when I was more scared than I have ever been, some strangers came to my comfort and support. They held my hands, looked me in the eye, and assured me that they were right there beside me. Later, several came to find me on another floor, because they were concerned about what had happened to me that evening.



The Men and Women of Methodist Transplant and Surgery Hospital have my undying (appropriate choice of words!! ) thanks and appreciation. I will never look at the scripture about "angels unaware" the same again.



When I left today, some came by the room and some found me in the hall. Some hugged; one told me to "soar as high as the sky." I will always pray for their works and hope for them a long and happy life.



Linda - Omar - Jolie - Dr. Guerra - Amy - Kim - Tres - Minna - Mikey - Angelina, and Sharon. Many whose names I have already forgotten; but never, ever their kindnesses toward me. A stranger. One patient among the throngs that pass through their halls.



They have no idea... how could they??

Things I am Looking Forward to....

~ wearing my wedding rings; haven't been able to in most of Erin's lifetime!

~ playing on the floor with Liz and Bladen and babies to come...

~ buying and wearing proudly a Manu Ginobili t-shirt!

~ shopping for clothes in "regular" stores

~ not worrying about finding the closest parking spot so I have the energy to walk to the store

~ swimming with Andy

~ going places with the family and not having them have to wait on me to keep up!!!!

~ standing at church

~ working in my yard

~ riding a bike again

~ feeling "new and improved"

~ not feeling subconcious when I walk into a room

~ hiking again in the beautiful Hill Country, or around Bear Lake, or ANYWHERE I want!!

~ going on my 60th birthday cruise with the girls and wearing a nice swimsuit in front of people :)

~ growing old

~ showing others and myself that I can do this and have self-discipline.

~ NOT worrying about diabetes anymore - - -

and, finally - well, that's between me and Andy!!! :)

Wow - it's been a month since I last posted; I've had a lot going on, but nothing seemed like a good topic!!

A year ago today, Mom had her stroke. As I was getting ready for school, Andy's brother called to tell us she'd been taken to the hospital after a bad fall. As soon as we could get away, we got to Houston. At first, it looked like we would lose her, and in some ways, we have....

Mom was a fastidious house keeper. All meals were set on the table, and everyone sat there, together, to eat. She never sat down to "visit" - and current events and social topics were the conversation of the day. That part of her is gone, but she is so much better than we ever thought. Healthy, home cooked meals have given way to poached eggs or take-out pizza for dinner, and their once valued independence has been replaced by a 24/7 nurse in the home.

My father- in- law misses his wife a lot. Over the year, we've seen such frustration in him, and yet we've also seen so many instances of tenderness and love that were kept private between them all the years prior. It's truly been a learning experience for us all!

So, as we begin this next year - we are grateful that Mom is better and at home. We miss the mom she was, but we relish the Mom we have now. We are thankful for this year and all it has shown us about our family.

Dreams do come true

My daughter, Dana, has just had another birthday. She celebrated with friends, and her beloved Johnsons - our turn to celebrate will come in a few days. We did the traditional phone call "Happy Birthday" song, and her flowers were delivered.

I've been thinking a lot about the dreams we have for our children, and I guess this is as good a time as any to reflect. So, here go a few of this mom's dreams:

I dreamed of a daughter who would love and live her life for God and her Savior. No doubt that is true in Dana's case; she seeks to serve and worship Him with her whole being.

I dreamed that she and her siblings would be close. Watching her and Erin makes me so happy, because I know someday her Dad and I will be gone, and they will have each other. It's not so comfy, though, when they team up on us!!

I dreamed of a healthy child. So far, so good; not one trip to the hospital for this girl, although there was that nasty pencil lead trip to the ER once. No broken bones, either. And she's sky-dived, for goodness sake!!

I dreamed of a woman who would love children. You should see her with Liz and Bladen; no aunt does a better job. Her school children are blessed to be with her everyday, and she takes her job quite seriously. Her compassion to those children lonely and hurt is amazing.

I dreamed of an independent person who would not depend on others for making decisions on her own. Sometimes I worry that she's going into her dark apartment by herself late at night, but I am so grateful that she has so much to keep her life full and isn't sitting on the couch.

And I dreamed of a daughter that would value good things in life, like music, sunsets, museums, yummy food, and mountain tops.

I dreamed of Dana.

One look...

When the girls were little, I'd spat their little legs, or their hands, to get my point across. I thought that was what moms do - or, did - and so I had no remorse about doing it. The girls grew up well mannered and don't seem any worse for the wear...

This past weekend, Erin and her children came to visit. Bladen was "eating" a grill cheese sandwich for lunch, and decided he'd had enough.
So, dead-eyeing me, he proceeded to hold his bite out over the side of the highchair tray as if to say, "Thanks, Nana. No more." Now, I've heard Erin and Gregg both say "No" to Liz and Bladen, so I felt like I could do it without much of a ruckus.

"Bladen, No!" I must have said it with my "teacher voice", because he sank back into the chair and had such a downcast look on his face that I wanted to crawl under the table and cry!! His eyes said to me, "Oh, Nana - how COULD you?!?!" For a good minute or so, he just sat, beaten down like I'd taken away all his little spirit. I had to try several times to tickle his little fat toes, or jiggle his leg, before he'd even crack a little smile. I made it up to him the rest of the visit, and I think he's forgiven me.

So - I hope I never forget that little face whenever he needs guiding again. It's just not in me to make that little man look like that again!!

Reflections of another year

Today is my 56th birthday. I was up from 3:15 to 5:20, both reflecting on last year's events, and anticipation some of this coming year. Ugh - I'm really needing those lost hours about now!

Since my birthday is so soon after Christmas and New Year's, I rarely make resolutions when everyone else is... I'd just have to do it again a few days later. This year, not so many to make, but good things are in the works. Andy and I will celebrate 35 years of marriage in May, and hope - really, really hope - to mark it with a trip to California to drive the California Coastal Highway and attend my nephew, Casey's wedding. We will see how that pans out, with the state budget fixing to take a big hit, though.

In February, we will mark one year since Mom fell. I can't tell you how that one day has changed the whole tenure of the LaMore family, from Bladen, the youngest, to Andy - her oldest son. The mom we knew and loved so is no more, but we enjoy every day we still have her. Dad has suffered the most, of course, and we've seen it's toll on him.

I think that sometime during this year, I will need to take some sort of job. Maybe not full-time, and maybe not school-related, but something. While I truly enjoy this life I have now, in reality, we were not financially prepared for me to stop work and take in less money. I hope things will work out, though. It already has in so many ways.

I guess one of the best things is that, for the majority of days, I am no longer angry at the principal who set this all in motion. I don't like the way I felt about her, and I'm glad it's gone. Her loss....

One thing I know for sure, I love my husband exponentially more now than ever. Ever. He fills my heart just by standing beside me as we worship God together, or holds my hand as we watch a movie. I adore him, and up until recently, I thought I knew what that all meant. Now, I do.

The last thing that I'll share is that, after 55 years, I truly feel the little invisible girl is gone. (I mean me. My imaginary friend left long, long ago!!) My brother once told me that the middle child was often invisible in a family, and that knowledge made so many things clear to me. But this year, I have really felt - and, I don't really know how to put this into words, - needed. Valued. Anticipated. Missed when I'm not around. Two specific things opened my eyes - an encouragement card, and a comment. Just a comment made by someone. She has no idea of what that meant to me. Both of these events actually scared me, because of the realization that people SEE me, watch me, and value my role in their life. Amazing what that did for me.

So, here comes 56. It's a full day, fun stuff awaits. Life is good, thank you very much!! And before I turn around, here will come 57. Who knows what I'll post about then?!?!

So many things!

I wish I'd been more self-disciplined these last few days, as I have a lot to post . My year-end countdown, by Christmas holidays with friends and families, my New Year's frivolity, the Johnson anniversary, the Spurs, and so on. It has been a busy season, and it's hard to get it all into words.

Many trips to Houston for wonderful events; Matt and Summer's wedding, B's first birthday, Liz turning two.... Christmas Eve with the family and Christmas Day. Delicious times with the LaMore clan - thankfulness for Mom's continued improvement - a game with nephews I rarely get to interact with.

So, as 2011 begins, suffice it to say that I am a contented, happy woman. Andy shows me more and more how truly much he loves me (maybe he always has and I just didn't see it!), and my friendships grow dearer to me with each passing day. My daughters and sweet son give me hope for a great future for them all.

To quote a line from the movie "Hope Floats," my cup runneth over. May I never forget how God has blessed by life with His goodness.

So, to you and yours, a Happy, Healthy, and Fun 2011.

Now, if those Spurs will just bring home Banner 5!!!